Jan 5, 12 "I'm losing my mind. It's going. It's going. This is a recent quote from Siri. I know, you thought it was me, right?"
Jan 6, 12 "So I was on this teleconference last night about Pilot season. It was very uplifting. I posted on twitter. Someone asked me if I was going to be on a pilot and I got an email simultaneously from my agent about a pilot. Only one thing, I have to wear a bikini for the audition ... hmm ... synchronicity or pasty white embarrassment?"
Jan 7, 12 "Mum's the word ... although I can think of better ones. Come to think of it, Grease is the word"
Jan 9, 12 "I'm all business today. Gonna set a list of goals and kick their collective tooki ... I believe that is the plural of tookus."
Jan 13, 12 "I must admit that I search youtube videos for the answers to most of my dilemmas. I'm about to destroy some tights, fix some makeup and build a barn."
Jan 20, 12 "OK, so here's the deal. If you offer me a "job" and I have to pay to do that job, I'm not going to go for it. Really I'm not, so keep it moving, nothing to see here."
Jan 21, 12 "You know when you're working like a dog, seemingly nonstop and then you finally get a day off and you're all weeeeeeeeeeee, I'm kinda the opposite. Could do with fewer days off."
Jan 23, 12 "You know when they fill a needle w fluid on tv? Why do they always flick it? One of life's mysteries."
Jan 24, 12 "To all my friends who love snow I'm sorry that you have not experienced that much this year in Ohio. To me, YAY!"
Jan 26, 12 "Different days of the week have different vibes but you're not gonna see my writing letters to them. That's just silly."
Jan 28, 12 "Another early morning driving Miss Nancy. Where's Morgan Freeman when I need him?"
Jan 30, 12 "The wind was angry that day my friends. The howling outside my window strangely reminds me of George Castanza."
Jan 31, 12 "I've been known to make a Michigan left in Ohio."
Feb 1, 12, "When I go into a ladies room ad the toilet seat is up I find it just a little disconcerting."
Feb 6, 12 "Feeling as though I serve a purpose is really important to me. I bet when I'm 80 I won't care at all. There's something to look forward to ... I think."
Feb 6, 12 "Periwinkle, a color that looks good on any skin tone and a great name for a puppy."
Feb 10, 12 "The high road. It's not just a place somewhere above you." What I tell my Mama
Feb 18, 12 "From time to time my daughter calls me dude. I try not to read into it."
Feb 21, 12 "Happy Chubby Tuesday. Why must everything be so extreme?" Fat Tuesday
Feb 22, 12 "I'm trying to think of what I could give up for Lent. Mom says church is not a good choice. Suggestions?"
Feb 27, 12 "Angelina Jolie's leg has it's own twitter page. I'm proud to report that I have no spare parts tweeting out there. I'm a package deal."
Feb 28, 12 "I just read a statement that said "bald faced lie". I always thought it was a bold faced lie. What kind of face do you hafta have to lie? Just wondering of course"
Feb 29, 12 "How hilarious would it be if on leap day that was the only way you could get from point A to point B. Picture it ... LOLOL ... go ahead, picture it!"
March 2, 12 "Happy Birthday Dr Seuss. If you were alive I would make you green eggs and ham. And that's saying something. I
a vegetarian."
March 4, 12 "I have never seen anyone catch a snowball. Maybe I should get out more.?
March 5, 12 "Over the years I've watched a lot of TV that involves witches blinking, twitching and waving a hand to get things done. I'm about to channel all of them to clean my place. I will let you know how it goes."
March 9, 12 "That week just flew by ... must be because of all the laundry I did. So laundry speeds up time and that means if I want to slow it down... hmm. I might be having a breakthrough here."
March 17, 12 "I was at a play this evening and noticed something glowing in my lap. I nearly jumped and then realized it was my fingernails! That's what I get for borrowing Kassii Lynne's green nail polish! Happy St. Patty's day, my peeps!"
March 23, 12 "Do a google image search for yourself and let me know if you also get a pic of Mary Tyler Moore in the bunch."
March 25, 12 "I just drew a watch in Draw Something and my sister thought it was stomach innards. One of us it pretty messed up!"
April 1, 12 "Kassii Lynne happens to love this "holiday" and called me to say she got in a car accident. What a very strange kid. She is making the rounds so don't believe a word she says today!"
April 11, 12 "If there is to be work, it is to be all one day. I'm guessing some guy named Murphy said this. He was probably drunk."
April 27, 12 "I find myself saying I've been working like a dog when I'm really busy. Meanwhile, I have never seen a dog hard at work or even carrying a briefcase. Hmm."
April 30, 12 "I'm ambidextrous. I can count on both hands."
May 7, 12 "It was brought to my attention that sometimes peeps post comments on FB that aren't true just for appearances. So I'm here to say that I really do love shoes and cupcakes. Glad I could clear that up ... all real, all the time."
May 13, 12 "Your Mama ... and mine too. Have a beautiful Mother's Day."
May 16, 12 "If I learned anything from watching the makeup tutorial on youtube I just saw, it's that no one can outdo a drag queen."
June 13, 12 "I have a live gig today where I have to be a couple of pregnant women ... Not at the same time. Time to eat a huge breakfast!! Food baby here I come."
June 15, 12 "Today I will go to the mall where most of the stores are closed but the hurricane simulator booth is open for takers. Because who doesn't need one of those?" Ashtabula
June 24, 12 "I'm thinking it's about 50/50 chance of a person using tooth paste while brushing their teeth in a movie. Ever notice that? Yes, it's official, too much time on my hands."
June 26, 12 "I
think if you have to ask, "don't you know who I am?" the answer is I
don't give a crap. As a side note, I do like to say that and then laugh
at the expressions when peeps think I'm serious."
June 28, 12 "I wonder when those spammers/scammers from elsewhere who write to us about wanting to deposit large sums of money in our accounts, will stop emailing us about that since we are not gonna fall for that banana in the tailpipe. It's just silly."
July 2, 12 "Toothpaste can make your teeth white but it will do nothing for your eyeball."
July 7, 12 ""We have to be nice, kind, thoughtful... All that crap" my Mom."
July 9, 12 "Every so often and it's not so often, I am completely shocked. Then I'm shocked that I'm shocked."
July 10, 12 "On the middle of my living room floor is a cup, upside down. Beneath it is either a blonde centipede or a long piece of fuzz. It may be there the entire summer. I really need to have more guests over."
July 16, 12 "OK, so maybe I'm a bit behind in this news but I just found out that black widow spiders live in OHIO! If that's not a reason to move, I don't know what is."
July 17, 12 "Working production on a film is a lot like planning a wedding except the napkins don't need to have initials on them."
July 18, 12 "Nowadays I shoot a text and say, "give me a call" but I always add a smiley face so peeps know nothing's wrong. What did we do before texting?! Oh wait ... we called."
Aug 3, 12, "When I got out of the shower today I heard the fire alarm going off in my building. I was not prepared for that. I can see the headline now, "Woman caught in burning building looking for the perfect just thrown together, casually standing by her car,way too early outfit"
Aug 25, 12 "Now that I have Siri programmed to call me Goddess it really takes the edge off her general snarki attitude."
Aug 25, 12 "So I'm going to the baseball game tonight and when my friend told me we would be sitting next to the visitors I thought she meant people visiting Cleveland who are coming to watch the game. Sporty Spice I am not."
Aug 27, 12 ""Style makes you feel great because it takes your mind off the fact that you are going to die." Isaac Misrahi"
Aug 28, 12 "Hey FB fam, have any of you ever been to Ireland? Got any suggestions for vegetarian eats? I know, I know ... quit laughing."
Aug 29, 12 "Things to take to Ireland, electric converter, rain boots, lots of layers ... and this ball gown."
Aug 30, 12 "I'm on the first of three planes on my way to Ireland. Lots o layovers. These extra travel hours can kiss me arse. Please excuse this status. Just practicing."
Aug 31, 12 "Just landed in Birmingham and it's all coming back to me now. The UK is a place where no dog will quench it's thirst in the toilet. It also has wonderful shopping even at the airport and everyone has a cool accent. Will be here for 6 hours before we head to Shannon, Ireland. I miss my phone already!"
Sept. 5, 12 "It's official, the Irish will call anything pudding. I'm going to start using the word for all sorts of stuff "It's cold outside, better wear your pudding."
Sept 8, 12 "I see a yellow orb in the sky today. I'm not going to jump to any conclusions though." while in dreary Ireland
Sept 10, 12 "Did I mention the banks on wheels? It's kinda cool. They drive up in a smaller motor home and people go in to do their banking. It's only when they drive off w the money that I am out of awe and in complete concern."
Sept 13, 12 'If I were in Ireland right now I would be having my tea and toast. I could drink an entire pot of tea and it had no adverse effects on me. The liquids there were completely different. It's all part of the mystery."
Sept 15, 12 "I have a Cher gig tonight. Realization one, I don't have a Cher wig. Realization two, I have hair."
Sept 16, 12 "Remember when we used to write notes that were interactive on FB? Now it's like the teacher confiscated the last note and we all got detention. All is silent on the note front."
Sept 20, 12 "Unless it's ballet or the tango, pics of peeps dancing look ridiculous!"
Sept 27, 12 "Cupcakes and shopping make the world go around. I'm Nancy Telzerow and I approve this status."
Oct 3, 12 "Why is it when peeps get depressed in movies they crawl in the bathtub fully clothed? I don't get it."
Oct 11, 12 "It is my opinion that if workers are going to be on a scaffold hanging in front of my 12th floor window, I should get some kind of warning. That warning should not be a loud guy singing 8675309."
Oct 12, 12 "So two separate friends tell me about a show (since I've been under a rock) called "The Long Island Medium". I start watching it online and have been sobbing like a baby every since. Jean Zarzour and Kimberly Costa Mihalik, you owe me a box of kleenex each!"
Oct 12, 12 "I just asked Siri to call someone. She paused for really long time and said "sorry Goddess, I'm having trouble. Can you try that again?" Well, when you put it that way…"
Oct 13, 12 "I had a dream that if you were flying internationally and had a long layover, the airport offered a selection of movies in actual theaters for you to watch while waiting. That's me, solving one problem at a time when I sleep."
Oct 14, 12 "You know those phrases that say "that awkward moment when..."? All I can ever think is what an awkward way to start a statement."
Oct 16, 12 ""It's fun being a Mom to all those people." Mama
Pretty sure she was referring to me and my sisters."
Oct 18, 12 "Sometimes I think life would be much easier if only I liked portobello mushrooms."
Oct 22, 12 "I'm currently fixing a broken necklace with tape. Jewelry maker, I am not."
Oct 23, 12 "Rental listings always have Cats OK - meow, Dogs OK - woof. Why would they want to rent to peeps they have to school like this?"
Oct 25, 12 "It's the time of year when I'm glad that candy corn is a vegetable"
Oct 25, 12 "Once upon a time I went for a drive. I saw the most adorable house (you had no idea houses could be adorable, I know) and I pulled into the driveway to knock on the door. Yes, that's right, I immediately became a house stalker. The woman answered and told me all about the sprucing up process she and her husband had been in, explaining just how it got soooo darn adorable. I asked her if she was fixing it up to sell (money bags that I am) and she said nope, we love it here and are fixing it for ourselves. For months later I would drive by the little yellow and stone house that was ridiculously cute (I'm talking mini cooper cute!) and kept hoping to see a for sale sign. Fast forward years later and I went to drive by it but couldn't find it! Oh noooooooooo, I can't even visit my non house anymore. I think it was in South Euclid or Cleveland Heights. I have always thought that if that house were for sale, it was destined to be mine but sheesh, it's gonna be really hard now. If you know where my cute house is, let me know. Sorry for the world's longest status (from me anyway)."
Oct 26, 12 "The bad news is being an adult means you have to do a bunch of crap you don't want to do. The good news is I got a new skirt."
Oct 27, 12 "I voted early yesterday. Whew! Now I don't have to wait in long lines on election day. Oh and my coloring in the ovals ... well, I don't wanna brag but ..."
Oct 28, 12 "I see these posts about kids and then it says click like if you love your kids. I cannot tell you how much I do NOT believe that clicking like proves my love for my daughter. I will make her mashed potatoes instead. She will get the message."
Oct 29, 12 "I have not left home all day and from what I read and hear it was the perfect day for such behavior."
Oct 30, 12 "I think banana peels should be in potpourri because there are worse smells than bananas."
Oct 30, 12 "On real estate listings there are often pics of the bedrooms, baths, basement and even the shed. Why not the closet? It's not enough to describe it. Some of us want to know about the new home for our shoes too!"
Oct 30, 12 "Just got an email that said someone in your family thinks you're looking a little chubs and wants you to try a supplement they are using. No one in my family would go about telling me this via email so I'm left to believe that the sender figured you can't swing a dead cat without hitting someone who could shed some pounds. My question is how many people get these emails and take it personally? I'm sure more than a few tears have been shed. I get that people need to make a living but that's a less than cool way to do it. I did not take this email to heart and I truly hope I'm wrong about others. Boo spammers!!!"
Oct 31, 12 "If you were an illegal alien and got deported back to your original country is that like, weee free airfare!?"
Nov 2, 12 '"If you were an illegal alien and got deported back to your original country is that like, weee free airfare!?"
Nov 4, 12 "OK, so today I made from scratch, veggie soup and m & m cookies. I told Cassie I'm Betty F'n Crocker and now she is throwing food requests my way including sushi, spinach dip, crab cakes and lunchables? That kid is crazy! Then she tells me Betty Crocker's kids are probably always starving. She keeps in interesting."
Nov 6, 12 "If I'm going to wait in a long line for something if much prefer it be a new dress. So glad I voted early!!!"
Nov 6, 12 "Quandary and laundry rhyme. Coincidence? I think not."
Nov 8, 12 "Tell the people you love, you love them. Tell them over and over again. Even if you told them before, tell it to them again. You never know when When they will be hit by a bus!"
Nov 11, 12 "There's nothing more rewarding than getting a room full of people to laugh during a performance unless, of course, you were being serious. Then it just sucks."
Nov 12, 12 "What's your plan for today? I've got a plan but it's mostly just an outfit."
Nov 13, 12 "I wonder who came up with the term, couch potato. We all know what it means but there was probably a better way to say lazy arse."
Nov 14, 12 "After spending many hours yesterday and the wee hours of this morning prepping my place for the carpet installers, they arrived and said it was too hot. I now have the heat off until they leave. This relationship seems so one sided. I'm breaking up with them as soon as they leave."
Nov 16, 12 "Conversation with my vacuum.
Hey Bissell, thanks so much for being my partner and cleaning up all those new carpet shavings.
B - Just doing my job. By the way, now you have to clean me and I mean take me all apart and get every crevice.
June 28, 12 "I wonder when those spammers/scammers from elsewhere who write to us about wanting to deposit large sums of money in our accounts, will stop emailing us about that since we are not gonna fall for that banana in the tailpipe. It's just silly."
July 2, 12 "Toothpaste can make your teeth white but it will do nothing for your eyeball."
July 7, 12 ""We have to be nice, kind, thoughtful... All that crap" my Mom."
July 9, 12 "Every so often and it's not so often, I am completely shocked. Then I'm shocked that I'm shocked."
July 10, 12 "On the middle of my living room floor is a cup, upside down. Beneath it is either a blonde centipede or a long piece of fuzz. It may be there the entire summer. I really need to have more guests over."
July 16, 12 "OK, so maybe I'm a bit behind in this news but I just found out that black widow spiders live in OHIO! If that's not a reason to move, I don't know what is."
July 17, 12 "Working production on a film is a lot like planning a wedding except the napkins don't need to have initials on them."
July 18, 12 "Nowadays I shoot a text and say, "give me a call" but I always add a smiley face so peeps know nothing's wrong. What did we do before texting?! Oh wait ... we called."
Aug 3, 12, "When I got out of the shower today I heard the fire alarm going off in my building. I was not prepared for that. I can see the headline now, "Woman caught in burning building looking for the perfect just thrown together, casually standing by her car,way too early outfit"
Aug 25, 12 "Now that I have Siri programmed to call me Goddess it really takes the edge off her general snarki attitude."
Aug 25, 12 "So I'm going to the baseball game tonight and when my friend told me we would be sitting next to the visitors I thought she meant people visiting Cleveland who are coming to watch the game. Sporty Spice I am not."
Aug 27, 12 ""Style makes you feel great because it takes your mind off the fact that you are going to die." Isaac Misrahi"
Aug 28, 12 "Hey FB fam, have any of you ever been to Ireland? Got any suggestions for vegetarian eats? I know, I know ... quit laughing."
Aug 29, 12 "Things to take to Ireland, electric converter, rain boots, lots of layers ... and this ball gown."
Aug 30, 12 "I'm on the first of three planes on my way to Ireland. Lots o layovers. These extra travel hours can kiss me arse. Please excuse this status. Just practicing."
Aug 31, 12 "Just landed in Birmingham and it's all coming back to me now. The UK is a place where no dog will quench it's thirst in the toilet. It also has wonderful shopping even at the airport and everyone has a cool accent. Will be here for 6 hours before we head to Shannon, Ireland. I miss my phone already!"
Sept. 5, 12 "It's official, the Irish will call anything pudding. I'm going to start using the word for all sorts of stuff "It's cold outside, better wear your pudding."
Sept 8, 12 "I see a yellow orb in the sky today. I'm not going to jump to any conclusions though." while in dreary Ireland
Sept 10, 12 "Did I mention the banks on wheels? It's kinda cool. They drive up in a smaller motor home and people go in to do their banking. It's only when they drive off w the money that I am out of awe and in complete concern."
Sept 13, 12 'If I were in Ireland right now I would be having my tea and toast. I could drink an entire pot of tea and it had no adverse effects on me. The liquids there were completely different. It's all part of the mystery."
Sept 15, 12 "I have a Cher gig tonight. Realization one, I don't have a Cher wig. Realization two, I have hair."
Sept 16, 12 "Remember when we used to write notes that were interactive on FB? Now it's like the teacher confiscated the last note and we all got detention. All is silent on the note front."
Sept 20, 12 "Unless it's ballet or the tango, pics of peeps dancing look ridiculous!"
Sept 27, 12 "Cupcakes and shopping make the world go around. I'm Nancy Telzerow and I approve this status."
Oct 3, 12 "Why is it when peeps get depressed in movies they crawl in the bathtub fully clothed? I don't get it."
Oct 11, 12 "It is my opinion that if workers are going to be on a scaffold hanging in front of my 12th floor window, I should get some kind of warning. That warning should not be a loud guy singing 8675309."
Oct 12, 12 "So two separate friends tell me about a show (since I've been under a rock) called "The Long Island Medium". I start watching it online and have been sobbing like a baby every since. Jean Zarzour and Kimberly Costa Mihalik, you owe me a box of kleenex each!"
Oct 12, 12 "I just asked Siri to call someone. She paused for really long time and said "sorry Goddess, I'm having trouble. Can you try that again?" Well, when you put it that way…"
Oct 13, 12 "I had a dream that if you were flying internationally and had a long layover, the airport offered a selection of movies in actual theaters for you to watch while waiting. That's me, solving one problem at a time when I sleep."
Oct 14, 12 "You know those phrases that say "that awkward moment when..."? All I can ever think is what an awkward way to start a statement."
Oct 16, 12 ""It's fun being a Mom to all those people." Mama
Pretty sure she was referring to me and my sisters."
Oct 18, 12 "Sometimes I think life would be much easier if only I liked portobello mushrooms."
Oct 22, 12 "I'm currently fixing a broken necklace with tape. Jewelry maker, I am not."
Oct 23, 12 "Rental listings always have Cats OK - meow, Dogs OK - woof. Why would they want to rent to peeps they have to school like this?"
Oct 25, 12 "It's the time of year when I'm glad that candy corn is a vegetable"
Oct 25, 12 "Once upon a time I went for a drive. I saw the most adorable house (you had no idea houses could be adorable, I know) and I pulled into the driveway to knock on the door. Yes, that's right, I immediately became a house stalker. The woman answered and told me all about the sprucing up process she and her husband had been in, explaining just how it got soooo darn adorable. I asked her if she was fixing it up to sell (money bags that I am) and she said nope, we love it here and are fixing it for ourselves. For months later I would drive by the little yellow and stone house that was ridiculously cute (I'm talking mini cooper cute!) and kept hoping to see a for sale sign. Fast forward years later and I went to drive by it but couldn't find it! Oh noooooooooo, I can't even visit my non house anymore. I think it was in South Euclid or Cleveland Heights. I have always thought that if that house were for sale, it was destined to be mine but sheesh, it's gonna be really hard now. If you know where my cute house is, let me know. Sorry for the world's longest status (from me anyway)."
Oct 26, 12 "The bad news is being an adult means you have to do a bunch of crap you don't want to do. The good news is I got a new skirt."
Oct 27, 12 "I voted early yesterday. Whew! Now I don't have to wait in long lines on election day. Oh and my coloring in the ovals ... well, I don't wanna brag but ..."
Oct 28, 12 "I see these posts about kids and then it says click like if you love your kids. I cannot tell you how much I do NOT believe that clicking like proves my love for my daughter. I will make her mashed potatoes instead. She will get the message."
Oct 29, 12 "I have not left home all day and from what I read and hear it was the perfect day for such behavior."
Oct 30, 12 "I think banana peels should be in potpourri because there are worse smells than bananas."
Oct 30, 12 "On real estate listings there are often pics of the bedrooms, baths, basement and even the shed. Why not the closet? It's not enough to describe it. Some of us want to know about the new home for our shoes too!"
Oct 30, 12 "Just got an email that said someone in your family thinks you're looking a little chubs and wants you to try a supplement they are using. No one in my family would go about telling me this via email so I'm left to believe that the sender figured you can't swing a dead cat without hitting someone who could shed some pounds. My question is how many people get these emails and take it personally? I'm sure more than a few tears have been shed. I get that people need to make a living but that's a less than cool way to do it. I did not take this email to heart and I truly hope I'm wrong about others. Boo spammers!!!"
Oct 31, 12 "If you were an illegal alien and got deported back to your original country is that like, weee free airfare!?"
Nov 2, 12 '"If you were an illegal alien and got deported back to your original country is that like, weee free airfare!?"
Nov 4, 12 "OK, so today I made from scratch, veggie soup and m & m cookies. I told Cassie I'm Betty F'n Crocker and now she is throwing food requests my way including sushi, spinach dip, crab cakes and lunchables? That kid is crazy! Then she tells me Betty Crocker's kids are probably always starving. She keeps in interesting."
Nov 6, 12 "If I'm going to wait in a long line for something if much prefer it be a new dress. So glad I voted early!!!"
Nov 6, 12 "Quandary and laundry rhyme. Coincidence? I think not."
Nov 8, 12 "Tell the people you love, you love them. Tell them over and over again. Even if you told them before, tell it to them again. You never know when When they will be hit by a bus!"
Nov 11, 12 "There's nothing more rewarding than getting a room full of people to laugh during a performance unless, of course, you were being serious. Then it just sucks."
Nov 12, 12 "What's your plan for today? I've got a plan but it's mostly just an outfit."
Nov 13, 12 "I wonder who came up with the term, couch potato. We all know what it means but there was probably a better way to say lazy arse."
Nov 14, 12 "After spending many hours yesterday and the wee hours of this morning prepping my place for the carpet installers, they arrived and said it was too hot. I now have the heat off until they leave. This relationship seems so one sided. I'm breaking up with them as soon as they leave."
Nov 16, 12 "Conversation with my vacuum.
Hey Bissell, thanks so much for being my partner and cleaning up all those new carpet shavings.
B - Just doing my job. By the way, now you have to clean me and I mean take me all apart and get every crevice.
Me - Et tu Bissell?"
Nov 17, 12 "I have a dull headache as opposed to an exciting one. Have a great Saturday, my peeps!"
Nov 17, 12 "Conversation with Siri:
Me - What do you call a male ladybug?
Siri - I don't see a male ladybug in your contact list.
Me - Sheesh."
Nov 20, 12 "I just googled a shopping website in a very generic way. A name popped up, I went to the site ... brand new to me, but apparently I had already shopped there because I had a password and it welcomed me back. We're gonna call that shopnesia."
Nov 22, 12 "So if your totem animal is the turkey, is this a good day or a bad day for you? Happy Thanksgiving my fb peeps. Be kind to your loved ones and that bird."
Nov 24, 12 ""I'm sneezing. My nose is barking like it's a dog that has to go outside" If Kassii Lynne were your daughter, you too could get texts like this."
Nov 25, 12 "Did you ever notice on TV when a hubby surprises his wife with an RV she always hates it? That can't be good for business."
Nov 25, 12 "Uh oh, I'm in the mood to have a chef come to my place and magically prepare a feast for me. This mood never works out." Prior to me moving into the club w a chef.
Nov 27, 12 "
“Every time you are tempted to react in the same old way, ask if you want to be a prisoner of the past or a pioneer of the future.”
― Deepak Chopra
He put the deep in Deepak."
Nov 29, 12 "This is the day my daughter was born. I remember it so clearly. Her Dad's first words were, "It's a boy." After one or two double takes between the baby and the Doctor I told him, "that's the umbilical chord" and she's been my girl ever since. I love you my Kassii Lynne."
Dec 1, 12 "I don't think peeps should be allowed to use the word cookies in an internet-y, website-y way. That's a waste of a good word."
Dec 3, 12 "I'm not going to even call spoiler alert on this one because it is referred to in every review. The movie Arbitrage is compelling and the performances were great but this is how it went. Story ... story ... story ... st. I seriously thought it was me, but nope I did not doze off or space off or shut it off. I was not off in any way but the ending, well let's just say it was a bit off."
Dec 3, 12 "I love movies about music but for the life of me I cannot figure out why they don't do a better job of making it look real. Seeing an instrument being played in a low register when the note coming out is in the upper register absolutely takes me out of the moment and makes me ask questions. It's like they need to hire real musicians and get really good at putting them in as body doubles. If this distracts even me I cannot imagine how much it must bug professional musicians."
Dec 4, 12 "I keep getting invites to like pages I already like. I like you ... I really like you."
Dec 6, 12 "I wanted to sleep longer but I was dreaming that a bird landed on my head and it woke me up. Darn bird."
Dec 8, 12 "I wanted to sleep longer but I was dreaming that a bird landed on my head and it woke me up. Darn bird."
Dec 9, 12 "I have hidden most of my activity here on FB. It's like I'm a secret agent. Oh wait, secret agents don't go spreading around do they? Work in progress."
Dec 10, 12 "I am a rockstar in my SPAM folder. I have won the fb lotto. I have peeps wanting to deposit money in my account worldwide. I have been invited to be in the Who's who registry. A girl could get full of herself."
Dec 11, 12 "How many times a week do you sing? Me? A few times a day and regular concerts in my car."
Dec 12, 12 "The squeaky wheel gets the oil but who really wants to roll around squeaking?"
Dec 14, 12 "I wrote this blog a long time ago and now I cannot find it. Darn. It was going to be like reading a 6th grade diary which can only be appreciated when you're way older than 6th grade."
Dec 16, 12 "Been working all weekend with my daughter, Cassie. So we woke up and are getting on the road to come home and I was chatting.
Then she said, "It seems like you haven't talked this morning and it's bothering you." She's not a morning person. lol"
Dec 18, 12 "I have just disassembled my iphone 4s by myself in order to fix a cracked screen by myself because apparently I think I'm handy. You may never hear from me again."
OK, so here's what happened. Thanks for all of your support. I successfully got the phone taken apart and I put it back together with only a few extra screws. They were so tiny and I knew where they went but could not get them in and then I was down to the drum roll. I could NOT get the back on the phone. Could it be that those tiny screws mattered that much? I kept forcing and trying and pushing and twisting and then poof... smoke! Yes, smoke. I remembered that earlier in my tutorial video they said be careful with the battery, it could blow up ... literally so I quickly put it in the refrigerator. There was some thinking that went on from the smoke to the fridge but the upshot is now I absolutely have to take it to a professional. I am proud of how far I got but in the end, I failed. Someday you will hear from me again but it won't be right now (insert saddest face ever).
Dec 20, 12 "What have I learned in 2012? I'm not a technological wizard but I have a ridiculous amount of bravery. What good will that do me? To be determined in 2013 because yes, there will be a 2013. Take that, Mayans!"
Dec 22, 12 "If you say supposevly I'm probably not going to be able to take you seriously."
Dec 23, 12 "I had a dream Oprah was asking a bunch of women to stand in front of an audience wearing very little. Her point was to make women love their own bodies. Every woman there regardless of their age or size was all into it. I thought it was hooey and did not want to partake so I got in a fight with Oprah. I screamed at her. I said something about how I realize everyone thinks you're smarter than God but I wasn't having it. I sure am sassy in my dreams."
Dec 25, 12 "You better watch out. You better not cry. Better not pout. I'm telling you why. Nobody likes whiners. Merry Christmas my fb peeps. Love to you all!!!"
Dec 28, 12 "I'm up and at 'em, not Adam like you all thought."
Dec 30, 12 "I think it's funny when peeps put the word necessarily in front of the verb. This necessarily isn't the best status ever."
Jan 1, 13 "If you could change one thing about 2013, realize that nothing is impossible. The one thing you think is impossible really isn't. Except, of course, walking on Mars. I think for now we still cannot do that."
Jan 4, 13 "This just in, a police officer cannot pull you over for giving them the finger. Now if you do this while going through a red light, there may be trouble. You heard it here."
Jan 5, 13 "I'm glad it's not called purple tape because that's my favorite color."
Jan 6, 13 "Just because a person posts their daily horoscope, it dies not mean they are awake. I learned that from Cassandra Lynne Telzerow"
Jan 12, 13 "What's on your mind? What's happening? How are you feeling? What are you doing? I'm not sure if facebook is a social network or my adopted Mom."
Jan 14, 13 "If you're ever stuck in traffic and getting impatient just start painting your nails. Works every time."
Jan 14, 13 "Do you ever notice that you accept a friend request and then they say help him or her find more friends. Haven't I done enough already?"
Jan 15, 13 "Recently someone pointed out to me that when I post about Siri they thought I was talking about my daughter. Nope, she's my virtual assistant and by virtual I mean she barely does a thing for me. By the way, if Siri were my daughter, she'd be grounded."
Jan 16, 13 "So apparently there is been a mesh patch recall and we all need to know about it. Thank you spam folder."
Jan 17, 13 "Hint: Sister Wives is not about sisters who all happen to be married to a bunch of husbands. That's me late to the party again."
Jan 18, 13 "I was just on hold for a year and when I finally got through and asked my question the operator vaguely answered it and threw me on hold again. When she returned after another year of waiting I said, "Please don't put me on hold I just have to ask blablablalblalabla" at about 100 words per five seconds. Her response? Listening to hold messages right now."
Jan 18, 13 "
Nov 17, 12 "I have a dull headache as opposed to an exciting one. Have a great Saturday, my peeps!"
Nov 17, 12 "Conversation with Siri:
Me - What do you call a male ladybug?
Siri - I don't see a male ladybug in your contact list.
Me - Sheesh."
Nov 20, 12 "I just googled a shopping website in a very generic way. A name popped up, I went to the site ... brand new to me, but apparently I had already shopped there because I had a password and it welcomed me back. We're gonna call that shopnesia."
Nov 22, 12 "So if your totem animal is the turkey, is this a good day or a bad day for you? Happy Thanksgiving my fb peeps. Be kind to your loved ones and that bird."
Nov 24, 12 ""I'm sneezing. My nose is barking like it's a dog that has to go outside" If Kassii Lynne were your daughter, you too could get texts like this."
Nov 25, 12 "Did you ever notice on TV when a hubby surprises his wife with an RV she always hates it? That can't be good for business."
Nov 25, 12 "Uh oh, I'm in the mood to have a chef come to my place and magically prepare a feast for me. This mood never works out." Prior to me moving into the club w a chef.
Nov 27, 12 "
“Every time you are tempted to react in the same old way, ask if you want to be a prisoner of the past or a pioneer of the future.”
― Deepak Chopra
He put the deep in Deepak."
Nov 29, 12 "This is the day my daughter was born. I remember it so clearly. Her Dad's first words were, "It's a boy." After one or two double takes between the baby and the Doctor I told him, "that's the umbilical chord" and she's been my girl ever since. I love you my Kassii Lynne."
Dec 1, 12 "I don't think peeps should be allowed to use the word cookies in an internet-y, website-y way. That's a waste of a good word."
Dec 3, 12 "I'm not going to even call spoiler alert on this one because it is referred to in every review. The movie Arbitrage is compelling and the performances were great but this is how it went. Story ... story ... story ... st. I seriously thought it was me, but nope I did not doze off or space off or shut it off. I was not off in any way but the ending, well let's just say it was a bit off."
Dec 3, 12 "I love movies about music but for the life of me I cannot figure out why they don't do a better job of making it look real. Seeing an instrument being played in a low register when the note coming out is in the upper register absolutely takes me out of the moment and makes me ask questions. It's like they need to hire real musicians and get really good at putting them in as body doubles. If this distracts even me I cannot imagine how much it must bug professional musicians."
Dec 4, 12 "I keep getting invites to like pages I already like. I like you ... I really like you."
Dec 6, 12 "I wanted to sleep longer but I was dreaming that a bird landed on my head and it woke me up. Darn bird."
Dec 8, 12 "I wanted to sleep longer but I was dreaming that a bird landed on my head and it woke me up. Darn bird."
Dec 9, 12 "I have hidden most of my activity here on FB. It's like I'm a secret agent. Oh wait, secret agents don't go spreading around do they? Work in progress."
Dec 10, 12 "I am a rockstar in my SPAM folder. I have won the fb lotto. I have peeps wanting to deposit money in my account worldwide. I have been invited to be in the Who's who registry. A girl could get full of herself."
Dec 11, 12 "How many times a week do you sing? Me? A few times a day and regular concerts in my car."
Dec 12, 12 "The squeaky wheel gets the oil but who really wants to roll around squeaking?"
Dec 14, 12 "I wrote this blog a long time ago and now I cannot find it. Darn. It was going to be like reading a 6th grade diary which can only be appreciated when you're way older than 6th grade."
Dec 16, 12 "Been working all weekend with my daughter, Cassie. So we woke up and are getting on the road to come home and I was chatting.
Then she said, "It seems like you haven't talked this morning and it's bothering you." She's not a morning person. lol"
Dec 18, 12 "I have just disassembled my iphone 4s by myself in order to fix a cracked screen by myself because apparently I think I'm handy. You may never hear from me again."
OK, so here's what happened. Thanks for all of your support. I successfully got the phone taken apart and I put it back together with only a few extra screws. They were so tiny and I knew where they went but could not get them in and then I was down to the drum roll. I could NOT get the back on the phone. Could it be that those tiny screws mattered that much? I kept forcing and trying and pushing and twisting and then poof... smoke! Yes, smoke. I remembered that earlier in my tutorial video they said be careful with the battery, it could blow up ... literally so I quickly put it in the refrigerator. There was some thinking that went on from the smoke to the fridge but the upshot is now I absolutely have to take it to a professional. I am proud of how far I got but in the end, I failed. Someday you will hear from me again but it won't be right now (insert saddest face ever).
Dec 20, 12 "What have I learned in 2012? I'm not a technological wizard but I have a ridiculous amount of bravery. What good will that do me? To be determined in 2013 because yes, there will be a 2013. Take that, Mayans!"
Dec 22, 12 "If you say supposevly I'm probably not going to be able to take you seriously."
Dec 23, 12 "I had a dream Oprah was asking a bunch of women to stand in front of an audience wearing very little. Her point was to make women love their own bodies. Every woman there regardless of their age or size was all into it. I thought it was hooey and did not want to partake so I got in a fight with Oprah. I screamed at her. I said something about how I realize everyone thinks you're smarter than God but I wasn't having it. I sure am sassy in my dreams."
Dec 25, 12 "You better watch out. You better not cry. Better not pout. I'm telling you why. Nobody likes whiners. Merry Christmas my fb peeps. Love to you all!!!"
Dec 28, 12 "I'm up and at 'em, not Adam like you all thought."
Dec 30, 12 "I think it's funny when peeps put the word necessarily in front of the verb. This necessarily isn't the best status ever."
Jan 1, 13 "If you could change one thing about 2013, realize that nothing is impossible. The one thing you think is impossible really isn't. Except, of course, walking on Mars. I think for now we still cannot do that."
Jan 4, 13 "This just in, a police officer cannot pull you over for giving them the finger. Now if you do this while going through a red light, there may be trouble. You heard it here."
Jan 5, 13 "I'm glad it's not called purple tape because that's my favorite color."
Jan 6, 13 "Just because a person posts their daily horoscope, it dies not mean they are awake. I learned that from Cassandra Lynne Telzerow"
Jan 12, 13 "What's on your mind? What's happening? How are you feeling? What are you doing? I'm not sure if facebook is a social network or my adopted Mom."
Jan 14, 13 "If you're ever stuck in traffic and getting impatient just start painting your nails. Works every time."
Jan 14, 13 "Do you ever notice that you accept a friend request and then they say help him or her find more friends. Haven't I done enough already?"
Jan 15, 13 "Recently someone pointed out to me that when I post about Siri they thought I was talking about my daughter. Nope, she's my virtual assistant and by virtual I mean she barely does a thing for me. By the way, if Siri were my daughter, she'd be grounded."
Jan 16, 13 "So apparently there is been a mesh patch recall and we all need to know about it. Thank you spam folder."
Jan 17, 13 "Hint: Sister Wives is not about sisters who all happen to be married to a bunch of husbands. That's me late to the party again."
Jan 18, 13 "I was just on hold for a year and when I finally got through and asked my question the operator vaguely answered it and threw me on hold again. When she returned after another year of waiting I said, "Please don't put me on hold I just have to ask blablablalblalabla" at about 100 words per five seconds. Her response? Listening to hold messages right now."
Jan 18, 13 "
I
just found an old list of mine. It was called House Needs. On the
list were things like lamps, coffee table, area rug, light bulbs and
toilet paper. I think I added those last two so I could feel like I
would get to cross something off."
Jan 19, 13 "I know I have something to do today but I think it's laundry so I'm gonna pretend I don't remember it."
Jan 20, 13 "You know how peeps say "I'm not gonna lie ..."? It begs the question, does this mean all this time you've been a 24/7 liar, so now we're fortunate enough to get a word of truth from you? I'm not gonna lie, I find it kind of unsettling."
Jan 21, 13 "I got a call from my agent today checking my availability for three days of work. Normally I would be thrilled but I was only open for two of the three days. Now I have to hope for bad weather so they reschedule the third day. BTW, that was my only scheduled thing all week. When it rains it pours. Now I just need it to snow. That is my weather report for this Monday."
Jan 22, 13 "Croze is a groove inside the end of a barrel or cask into which the head is set. It's also a word that can score you a ton of points in Words with Friends."
Jan 23, 13 "You know when peeps give you driving directions and they say, "It's so easy. You can't get lost."? They don't know me at all."
Jan 24, 13 "I must admit that when I text I often add an xoxo or a smiley face so peeps know I'm not saying things in a poopy head tone. xoxo"
Jan 25, 13 "There are morning people and then there are peeps who don't like the morning at all. Those peeps hate the morning people. Trust me. Sincerely, a morning person.
Jan 25, 13 " spent the day with my Mama only to discover that the gifts her daughters give her she gives to her other daughters. So basically we've been having this massive gift exchange without knowing a thing. Now all I wanna know is who has the cute purple sweater that I bought her for her birthday?"
Jan 28, 13 "I love my dishwasher. I mean like Jane Jetson love."
Feb 1, 13 "I have two places I'm sort of supposed to go to but as I look at the traffic on the highway, I'm thinking about flaking. Hey, I would snow flaking then. Ok, it's decided."
Feb 2, 13 "What if the only thing that mattered was candy corn ... wouldn't that be a trip?!"
Feb 2, 13 "I like that I can hide all of your game activity from my view. I mean I love that you're playing Ruzzle and it appears you are kicking some serious a** but now I can let it all happen in my imagination. Trust me, you will win even more often!"
Feb 4, 13 "Part of being young is thinking you know EVERYTHING. Then you get a little older and you are sure you know something. Then you get even older and realize you know nothing. Then, cupcakes ... or maybe that's just me."
Feb 5, 13 "I'm suffering from a severe case of didntcallitis. Defined, it means I was supposed to call someone but I ... didn't. The first day I didn't call it was for a darn good reason so I vowed I would call the next day. Day two I totally remembered to call but it was midnight when it occurred to me. Day three ... insert really crappy reason not to call here. So then it's day four and five and six ... oh no, not day SIX! Now if I call I'm going catch holy you know what for not calling. What does one do when a case of didntcallitis hits? I don't know but if you figure it out, give me a call."
Feb 9, 13 "Next time I say I love you to someone and they say I love you more I will say, I'm going to buy you a dress with the hopes that they will say, I'm going to buy you a dress and shoes. If they're going to get all competitive I might as well make it a positive thing."
Feb 10, 13 "You know when you call a business and the person who answers just says hello in a sleepy voice so then you're sure you called someone at home, you've got the wrong number and feel embarrassed only to find out they were too lazy to answer the phone properly? Those peeps are just messing with you."
March 18, 13 "If I'm trying to type the word least, leafy is not a good substitution, auto correct. At leafy that's what I think."
March 18, 13 "I just received an email that was meant to be motivational. The subject line said, sometimes you just wanna quit so I deleted it. hee hee."
March 22, 13 "Do you ever go to post a status and have nothing good to say so you just decide to use one word? Cupcake."
March 23, 13 "No adult should have an app called pimp my text and yet here I am."
March 24, 13 "I got a friend request and went to accept it only to find out that person has the maximum number of friends. Some peeps find strange ways to show off"
March 25, 13 "Outside my door I just heard a bell and then a man saying 1-2-3 testing, 1-2-3 testing. I can only think of two reasons. One, it's a cop here to bust me for something I did that was illegal only I never do anything illegal so they have the wrong girl! Two, a reality show is here to ask me to be in a cast. They are looking for women who buy too many dresses and love cupcakes. That's all I got, what do you think? Sitting in silence, awaiting your response."
March 26, 13 "When facebook decides to change my timeline without asking me permission, it's like coming home to find the living room rearranged. I go to sit on the couch and fall on my arse. They like to mix it up more than I like cupcakes!"
March 26, 13 "I got an email that said they found a piece of luggage from Africa and other than the enormous amount of money in it, all they could find to identify it was my address and name. My memory is getting worse and worse I totally forgot about my rich friend in Africa who was about to give me all that money."
March 27, 13 "If fml only meant fruit of my loins it would be so much nicer."
March 29, 13 "Question to my super clean peeps. What do you use to get your shower floor sparkling? I have found a bazillion products that work on a regular tub but I'm talking about a porous floor in a shower stall. Nothing seems to work and I turned to youtube to find zilch. Any favorite tricks or cleaners? I have already tried the magic sponge and yes, I do realize this could mean I need a life."
March 29, 13 "Some peeps say walla when what they really mean is voila but I don't hold it against them."
March 30, 13 "As much as I love pandora on my iPhone, when Al Green starts singing in the middle of one of my phone conversations, it's just awkward."
March 31, 13 "When I think of Easters in my childhood I remember that I used to get a dress every year. Being the good Catholic that I am, I have been celebrating Easter ever since, sometimes daily. Whether you're wearing a dress or just a chocolate mustache, I hope your Easter is a blessed one."
April 2, 13 "The good news is I finally found the grape I dropped yesterday. The bad news is I almost began making the worlds smallest batch of wine."
April 3, 13 "So far I've heard from Natalie Portman, Jennifer Aniston and Katy Perry in my spam folder, all telling me how to lose weight. You would think they'd have better things to do with their time."
April 4, 13 "Let's say you knew someone in college. Let's also say you dated him. It would be cool to hear from him years later to catch up and reminisce. Let's say they have stalked you all those years and still can't get the hint ... not so cool."
April 5, 13 "I used to have a landlord who was an eighty year-old man and he was really grumpy. He often referred to me as young lady and I hated it. Flash forward to today in the elevator when a man is early 70s called me young lady, I was tickled pink! Its all about perspective my peeps. Happy Friday!"
April 7, 13 "I had a dream that I watched Smash and it inspired me to write a FB status but instead I did a presentation about my lesson learned at a Union meeting but only some people listened and I needed a microphone. There was also an elephant. The message was we don't have to be haters we can support one another as performers. Still trying to work out why the elephant was there."
April 7, 13 "I've been eating so much spinach, you peeps better look out for my enormous forearms."
April 10, 13 "I literally just googled, can a person OD on grapes, because of my new obsession with frozen grapes. I'm in the clear. Now where's my sweater?"
April 12, 13 "I have to admit that I get a tiny bit of pleasure when someone on fb requests that I play a game with them and I block that particular game from my existence. That's the naughty side of me. But again, I appreciate the invite"
April 14, 13 "I often wish Sunday meant there would be some sun on this day but nope, not here in the Cleve. Soon ... soon ... cupcake ... oops, soon."
April 14, 13 "Did you know that you can create abbreviations in your iphone to say entire paragraphs so you never have an excuse not to take a minute to reach out? For Ex. "I'm in a meeting and it's running way late. These peeps are boring the snot out of me. I wish I could call you but they are starting to stare. Love you more than cupcakes. Will reach out as soon as I get to my car". Your abbreviation could be LM (late meeting). So are you trying to tell me you don't have time to text LM? I think not. BTW, yw."
April 15, 13 "Tomorrow I will be living with my sister for three days while I work in Columbus. Pray for her"
April 24, 13 "They say can catch more flies with honey but I don't know, have you ever seen a pile of dog poop in the summer?"
April 26, 13 "I don't know why but this guy just popped into my mind. Now that I listen to the lyrics, I see they are promoting cheese as a pick me up. I find that hilarious. It does a lot of things but not so sure about the boost of energy."
April 27, 13 "A woman left me a message and said, "hey Nanc, I'm just calling to see if you're available tonight or tomorrow morning to record an audition that I need to send into my agency so let me know, k? bye." I had no idea who it was and the number was from PA, but not Pittsburgh. Clearly she knew me so I called her back figuring it would all come together when we talked. It went to voicemail. Her name is Ashley. Um, I don't know that many Ashley's and she wants me to record for her? Could this be the craziest wrong number and coincidence in the world? She was looking for a Nancy who could record a voice over for her agent? I left her a message too and I did not let on that I had no idea what was going on but she never called back. One of life's mysteries. So Ashley, if you're out there, I don't record other peeps for vo's but I do go to studios and let them record me. I don't know who you are but thanks for calling me Nanc instead of Nancy. I like that.
Jan 19, 13 "I know I have something to do today but I think it's laundry so I'm gonna pretend I don't remember it."
Jan 20, 13 "You know how peeps say "I'm not gonna lie ..."? It begs the question, does this mean all this time you've been a 24/7 liar, so now we're fortunate enough to get a word of truth from you? I'm not gonna lie, I find it kind of unsettling."
Jan 21, 13 "I got a call from my agent today checking my availability for three days of work. Normally I would be thrilled but I was only open for two of the three days. Now I have to hope for bad weather so they reschedule the third day. BTW, that was my only scheduled thing all week. When it rains it pours. Now I just need it to snow. That is my weather report for this Monday."
Jan 22, 13 "Croze is a groove inside the end of a barrel or cask into which the head is set. It's also a word that can score you a ton of points in Words with Friends."
Jan 23, 13 "You know when peeps give you driving directions and they say, "It's so easy. You can't get lost."? They don't know me at all."
Jan 24, 13 "I must admit that when I text I often add an xoxo or a smiley face so peeps know I'm not saying things in a poopy head tone. xoxo"
Jan 25, 13 "There are morning people and then there are peeps who don't like the morning at all. Those peeps hate the morning people. Trust me. Sincerely, a morning person.
Jan 25, 13 " spent the day with my Mama only to discover that the gifts her daughters give her she gives to her other daughters. So basically we've been having this massive gift exchange without knowing a thing. Now all I wanna know is who has the cute purple sweater that I bought her for her birthday?"
Jan 28, 13 "I love my dishwasher. I mean like Jane Jetson love."
Feb 1, 13 "I have two places I'm sort of supposed to go to but as I look at the traffic on the highway, I'm thinking about flaking. Hey, I would snow flaking then. Ok, it's decided."
Feb 2, 13 "What if the only thing that mattered was candy corn ... wouldn't that be a trip?!"
Feb 2, 13 "I like that I can hide all of your game activity from my view. I mean I love that you're playing Ruzzle and it appears you are kicking some serious a** but now I can let it all happen in my imagination. Trust me, you will win even more often!"
Feb 4, 13 "Part of being young is thinking you know EVERYTHING. Then you get a little older and you are sure you know something. Then you get even older and realize you know nothing. Then, cupcakes ... or maybe that's just me."
Feb 5, 13 "I'm suffering from a severe case of didntcallitis. Defined, it means I was supposed to call someone but I ... didn't. The first day I didn't call it was for a darn good reason so I vowed I would call the next day. Day two I totally remembered to call but it was midnight when it occurred to me. Day three ... insert really crappy reason not to call here. So then it's day four and five and six ... oh no, not day SIX! Now if I call I'm going catch holy you know what for not calling. What does one do when a case of didntcallitis hits? I don't know but if you figure it out, give me a call."
Feb 9, 13 "Next time I say I love you to someone and they say I love you more I will say, I'm going to buy you a dress with the hopes that they will say, I'm going to buy you a dress and shoes. If they're going to get all competitive I might as well make it a positive thing."
Feb 10, 13 "You know when you call a business and the person who answers just says hello in a sleepy voice so then you're sure you called someone at home, you've got the wrong number and feel embarrassed only to find out they were too lazy to answer the phone properly? Those peeps are just messing with you."
Feb 12, 13 "Remember when putting bunny ears above someone's head was the worst thing you could do in a picture? I miss those days."
Feb 13, 13 "As we near tomorrow I'm reminded of the tiny Valentine's Day cards we
used to hand out in school. On the envelope it would either say Boy or
Gril. I hope those little dyslexic boys found someone to lvoe. Oh, and
Happy Lent to all who celebrate!"
Feb 15, 13 "So some meteorite explodes over Russia and totally proves my point. At
any moment a lion could run up to you and eat you. You would never
guessed that was what I was getting at, would you?"
Feb 17, 13 "I was just watching a TED talk about the slow movement and the benefits
of it. The man delivering the speech was talking so fast it annoyed me.
I will be taking in that info while reading only ... irony, gotta love
it."
Feb 18, 13 "I know we have peripheral vision but wouldn't it be cool if we could see
around corners without moving? OK, this is my version of imagining me
staying in bed all day. I haven't worked out the kinks yet and squinting
really hard does NOT make food appear."
Feb 20, 13 "I cannot wait until they come up with a better way to figure out if I'm a
robot because these captcha's are killing me ... or wait, may be i am a
ro bot.... said in a convincing robot voice."
Feb 21, 13 "I'm like a bad lounge singer ... I never accept any requests, facebook game requests that is."
Feb 22, 13 "I just noticed that some peeps use phrases for their middle name like
Mike Great Dad Jones. This gives me ideas. Picking a middle name right
now. Thinking Nancy Shoe Shoppin Mutha F'er Telzerow ... too long?"
Feb 23, 13 "FYI, if you are wearing winter gloves and have an iPhone, there are only a couple of things you can do with your nose."
Feb 23, 13 "Do you ever scroll down your own fb wall to see if you missed anything and find out you're a kook? Um, ya, me neither."
Feb 24, 13 "I just saw a woman wheeling her baby in a laundry basket down the hall. I hope she uses the gentle cycle."
Feb 25, 13 "I just saw two of my facebook friends post about boobs. Two! Well, I guess that's about right."
Feb 25, 13 "Just saw a woman wearing a stethoscope. Doctor friends, do you really do
that outside of work? Oh wait, I don't have any doctor friends."
Feb 26, 13 "From what I've been hearing Facebook status updates can cost you your
job so I guess that explains why no shoe store or bakery will hire me"
March 1, 13 "For those of you beating yourself up about your loss of memory in your
old age consider this. Since you were about four you probably have
memorized the lyrics to at least hundreds of songs so maybe your brain
just doesn't have enough room for the new info. Case in point I just
sang every single word to Sharing the Night Together."
March 2, 13 "Get up out of that bed. Those cupcakes aren't gonna eat themselves. (my inner monologue today ... not so inner)"
March 3, 13 "Come to the last day of the Cleveland Auto Show. It's the place where
you can take pics of yourself in a bunch of cars. I don't know what you
will do with those pics but you can definitely take them."
March 6, 13 "So, I'm trying to get used to not doing two spaces after the period.I think I may have gone overboard.What do you think?"
March 9, 13 "I was just about to get preachy and say how peeps should act but then I
thought I better shut it. There's something to be learned there too.
Oops, that just slipped out."
March 9, 13 "When I watch shows and there's a prison scene I always see inmates
bribing other inmates with cigarettes or money. Is there a general
store with an ATM in there? Much to learn about the poky."
March 10, 13 "No one mentioned daylight savings time to me and I didn't tell anyone
either. I think that makes me timeless er... something like that."
March 11, 13 "The Mustard Report: The good news is if you drip mustard on your robe,
you don't have to pre-treat the stain. You can throw it in the wash and
it comes out good as new. The bad news is if you are in your robe at a
time when mustard is needed, you might have issues."
March 12, 13 "Did you know that you can call it a bald-faced, bold-faced or bare-faced
lie and it all means the same thing? Or you can call it straight up BS
... your choice."
March 13, 13 "I'm so excited about this I have to share. I just learned how to easily fix a zip that will not stay zipped. Don't tell Cassandra Lynne Telzerow though. She's gonna want her jeans back"
March 14, 13 "If Frenchie would have had Pink, Katy Perry and Nicki Minaj as her clients she might not have dropped out of Beauty school."
March 17, 13 "I think I just got tipsy reading everyone's status updates. Be careful my peeps!" St. Patty's Day
March 18, 13 "If I'm trying to type the word least, leafy is not a good substitution, auto correct. At leafy that's what I think."
March 18, 13 "I just received an email that was meant to be motivational. The subject line said, sometimes you just wanna quit so I deleted it. hee hee."
March 22, 13 "Do you ever go to post a status and have nothing good to say so you just decide to use one word? Cupcake."
March 23, 13 "No adult should have an app called pimp my text and yet here I am."
March 24, 13 "I got a friend request and went to accept it only to find out that person has the maximum number of friends. Some peeps find strange ways to show off"
March 25, 13 "Outside my door I just heard a bell and then a man saying 1-2-3 testing, 1-2-3 testing. I can only think of two reasons. One, it's a cop here to bust me for something I did that was illegal only I never do anything illegal so they have the wrong girl! Two, a reality show is here to ask me to be in a cast. They are looking for women who buy too many dresses and love cupcakes. That's all I got, what do you think? Sitting in silence, awaiting your response."
March 26, 13 "When facebook decides to change my timeline without asking me permission, it's like coming home to find the living room rearranged. I go to sit on the couch and fall on my arse. They like to mix it up more than I like cupcakes!"
March 26, 13 "I got an email that said they found a piece of luggage from Africa and other than the enormous amount of money in it, all they could find to identify it was my address and name. My memory is getting worse and worse I totally forgot about my rich friend in Africa who was about to give me all that money."
March 27, 13 "If fml only meant fruit of my loins it would be so much nicer."
March 29, 13 "Question to my super clean peeps. What do you use to get your shower floor sparkling? I have found a bazillion products that work on a regular tub but I'm talking about a porous floor in a shower stall. Nothing seems to work and I turned to youtube to find zilch. Any favorite tricks or cleaners? I have already tried the magic sponge and yes, I do realize this could mean I need a life."
March 29, 13 "Some peeps say walla when what they really mean is voila but I don't hold it against them."
March 30, 13 "As much as I love pandora on my iPhone, when Al Green starts singing in the middle of one of my phone conversations, it's just awkward."
March 31, 13 "When I think of Easters in my childhood I remember that I used to get a dress every year. Being the good Catholic that I am, I have been celebrating Easter ever since, sometimes daily. Whether you're wearing a dress or just a chocolate mustache, I hope your Easter is a blessed one."
April 2, 13 "The good news is I finally found the grape I dropped yesterday. The bad news is I almost began making the worlds smallest batch of wine."
April 3, 13 "So far I've heard from Natalie Portman, Jennifer Aniston and Katy Perry in my spam folder, all telling me how to lose weight. You would think they'd have better things to do with their time."
April 4, 13 "Let's say you knew someone in college. Let's also say you dated him. It would be cool to hear from him years later to catch up and reminisce. Let's say they have stalked you all those years and still can't get the hint ... not so cool."
April 5, 13 "I used to have a landlord who was an eighty year-old man and he was really grumpy. He often referred to me as young lady and I hated it. Flash forward to today in the elevator when a man is early 70s called me young lady, I was tickled pink! Its all about perspective my peeps. Happy Friday!"
April 7, 13 "I had a dream that I watched Smash and it inspired me to write a FB status but instead I did a presentation about my lesson learned at a Union meeting but only some people listened and I needed a microphone. There was also an elephant. The message was we don't have to be haters we can support one another as performers. Still trying to work out why the elephant was there."
April 7, 13 "I've been eating so much spinach, you peeps better look out for my enormous forearms."
April 10, 13 "I literally just googled, can a person OD on grapes, because of my new obsession with frozen grapes. I'm in the clear. Now where's my sweater?"
April 12, 13 "I have to admit that I get a tiny bit of pleasure when someone on fb requests that I play a game with them and I block that particular game from my existence. That's the naughty side of me. But again, I appreciate the invite"
April 14, 13 "I often wish Sunday meant there would be some sun on this day but nope, not here in the Cleve. Soon ... soon ... cupcake ... oops, soon."
April 14, 13 "Did you know that you can create abbreviations in your iphone to say entire paragraphs so you never have an excuse not to take a minute to reach out? For Ex. "I'm in a meeting and it's running way late. These peeps are boring the snot out of me. I wish I could call you but they are starting to stare. Love you more than cupcakes. Will reach out as soon as I get to my car". Your abbreviation could be LM (late meeting). So are you trying to tell me you don't have time to text LM? I think not. BTW, yw."
April 15, 13 "Tomorrow I will be living with my sister for three days while I work in Columbus. Pray for her"
April 24, 13 "They say can catch more flies with honey but I don't know, have you ever seen a pile of dog poop in the summer?"
April 26, 13 "I don't know why but this guy just popped into my mind. Now that I listen to the lyrics, I see they are promoting cheese as a pick me up. I find that hilarious. It does a lot of things but not so sure about the boost of energy."
April 27, 13 "A woman left me a message and said, "hey Nanc, I'm just calling to see if you're available tonight or tomorrow morning to record an audition that I need to send into my agency so let me know, k? bye." I had no idea who it was and the number was from PA, but not Pittsburgh. Clearly she knew me so I called her back figuring it would all come together when we talked. It went to voicemail. Her name is Ashley. Um, I don't know that many Ashley's and she wants me to record for her? Could this be the craziest wrong number and coincidence in the world? She was looking for a Nancy who could record a voice over for her agent? I left her a message too and I did not let on that I had no idea what was going on but she never called back. One of life's mysteries. So Ashley, if you're out there, I don't record other peeps for vo's but I do go to studios and let them record me. I don't know who you are but thanks for calling me Nanc instead of Nancy. I like that.
I feel so Kasey Kasem."
April 28, 13 "Clint Eastwood who is 82 years old said he would love to be directing films when he's 105. Bless his heart. I think I'd just love to still have my teeth."
April 29, 13 "I'm working like a dog or a cat that has a really long attention span."
April 30, 13 "My GPS likes to tell me the very first direction in north, south, east or west. If I were so good at figuring out which way north, south, east or west was I wouldn't need a GPS! I'm really good with left and right. She doesn't know me at all."
May 1, 13 "Endurance is the ability of an organism to exert itself and remain active for a long period of time, as well as its ability to resist, withstand, recover from, and have immunity to trauma, wounds, or fatigue. So wait a minute, are you saying no nap???"
May 6, 13 "It's a new week. I'm going to try to do something new and different every day. Looks like I'll be checking out the top of my fridge at some point. Have a good one, my peeps!"
May 7, 13 "So there's this new thing I wanna tell you about. You get an email from a friend on Facebook and it says it's from them but the email address is not theirs at all and it's a link to some virus that will kill you or your computer. I don't know which yet, as I am not foolish enough to click it."
May 9, 13 "Every now and then I have to put my foot down. My only hope is I have a great shoe on when I do."
May 13, 13 "I know there's a hundred ways to skin a cat but why are we skinning cats again? Ew."
May 14, 13 "I think it's funny when Firefox crashes and then you try to sign back on and they say, well, this is embarrassing. It would be so cool if you could screw up in life and simply say that and move on ... gonna try it later."
May 15, 13 "As much as I appreciate the emails for a walk-in tub, I'm not quite there yet. Have a great day, my peeps!"
May 16, 13 "Have you ever been trapped in a piece of clothing or jewelry only to think you will never get it off? Today I decided that maybe my infinity scarf would make a cute belt. It was almost on me for ... infinity. It wasn't even cute!"
May 19, 13 "I just saw an audible.com commercial and it said, enjoy a steamy romantic novel while you're ironing the sheets. Do peeps iron the sheets? I got so lost in the thought I cannot tell you what else was said."
May 20, 13 "Why do some peeps talk with their eyes closed? How do they expect me to stay awake when they talk if they can't?"
May 21, 13 "Just because you are talking louder than everyone else does not automatically make you interesting. My inner monologue during day two of workshop."
May 22, 13 "Remember back in the day when irregardless was a word? Oh wait, it was never a word."
May 27, 13 "Happy Memorial Day, my peeps. Thanks to all who have served and those who continue serving. Your job is tough one and I appreciate you! Now go off and eat some yummy food, be with your loving families and buy some shoes ... wait, I got a little carried away there."
May 27, 13 "Someday I picture a world where no one wears khaki pants and no one asks me to either. Hey, a girl can dream."
May 30, 13 "Yesterday while visiting the Mama, I ran into a woman I recognized but couldn't figure out how I knew her. I started grilling her. Where did you go to school? What's your last name? It all sounded so familiar but then I asked where she worked. Lo and behold, she not only worked where I worked while in High School but she worked in the same department! I was thrilled. She was not so thrilled. It did not ring a bell for her at all. On the drive back home with Mom it all came back to me. She was mean and never did like me ... didn't have time for me then and still doesn't. I bet she totally remembered me! I'm half tempted to friend her on Facebook, BWahhaahhhha (that's my evil laugh)!"
June 1, 13 "Cassandra Lynne Telzerow told me that I need to use hair gel if I want my hair to look good after drying naturally. I never use stuff in my hair so I let her tell me what to get but it was not at the store. She instead selected a mousse and after telling me how to put it in my hair and how to scrunch it, I applied it in the car. It was a disaster, I got it all over the car ceiling. I then puffed it all up on top of my head as directed by Cassie because according to her, when I take it down it will then be wavy and beautiful. So we went back home and I took it down in a hurry since I had somewhere to go. She said, "you look like Medusa ... bwahahhaha". Thanks a lot Cass. Guess who has new hair mousse?"
June 2, 13 "I really should update my linkedin profile. Peeps are endorsing me for all sorts of skills I don't have. It's sweet of them though. I think I will put a stop to it when they add tub caulking."
June 4, 13 "When my daughter was little and not so little I used to sing the lyrics to And I Love You So, that I believed was only an instrumental. I would sing the title over and over again and basically bug the heck outta her but we would laugh. So I was just looking it up on youtube in order to post it to her wall and of course write my lyrics beneath it (again to bug her/ make her smile) and I found out it actually has real lyrics! The lyrics are rather morose and could make a person wanna off themselves. They truly seem to be written by a very depressed person. Mine are so much better. And I love you so, and I love you so and I love you so And I love you soooooooo."
June 4, 13 "I think they should do a bachelor or bachelorette show where they do not live in a mansion, do not provide a Bentley and make them scrounge for their dates like real life. It would be way more entertaining but of course it might not last as many episodes ... peeps would be dropping like flies."
June 5, 13 "Just finished an improv gig as Cher. Most of the time you just wanna peel off your costume but in this case, I'm looking for layers!"
June 6, 13 "Without changing a single setting on my computer it now makes a rock star guitar sound when I hit a wrong key. I'm sure it means that one more sentence and it will explode but in the meantime it's pretty entertaining."
June 7, 13 "So there's a black bear walking around my neighborhood. Research indicates they only eat fruits and seeds but I'm a vegetarian so I'm still nervous."
June 8, 13 "Well, it's been five days since the bear was in my neighborhood. I guess now I can stop hibernating."
June 10, 13 "I just read an article about a women who lives on sunshine and water alone. Clearly this woman does not live in Cleveland Ohio."
June 13, 13 "I think I have the final proof that my handwriting has gotten atrocious. I just received a thank you letter from a charity addressed to Nancy Tekeroce."
June 4, 13 "3 things I've noticed lately: a lot if chefs smoke, getting a tan this summer might be impossible and when a lot of peeps focus on one project, amazing things happen. Made in Cleveland is in theaters June 21st! Go see it!!"
June 14, 13 "Major dilemma. I think there is a centipede in my living room. Why am I unsure, you ask? Because I am across the room screaming hysterically. I went to get a bowl to put over it but it moved. I cannot suck it up in the vacuum or step on it. So now I'm on bug patrol. Just squinting and screaming. Whachu doin?"
June 1, 3 "So here it is, the day to honor all Fathers. I hope your day is so wonderful that it makes up for all the athletes who get on camera for the first time only to say, Hi Mom! Happy Father's Day xoxoxoxoxo!"
June 17, 13 "You know when peeps post two pics in the same pose? I'm always tempted to print it out and circle the differences. There's no back of the chair in that one. Her hat is blue in this one. This is me needing a life."
June 19, 13 "I'm sorry to report that Cassandra Lynne Telzerow has gotten me addicted to Candy Crush, which I believe makes me about 12."
June 25, 13 "When a person shoots a gun in a grocery store in a movie or on TV, they will always hit a can of something with liquid in it. I just thought you might need to know that."
July 2, 13 "You drive. You text. You die. That's a bumper sticker on the car in front of me on my way downtown. So let me get this straight. You don't want me to read texts but you do want me to read the back of your car? Gotta love irony."
July 6, 13 "When you look at your computer monitor and everyone starts to look like Cindy Crawford, it's time to remove the mole aka clean the screen!"
July 9, 13 "I just asked Siri, "what's the number for Lowe's?" and she replied, "Lowe from which team? Keegan Lowe, NHL, Mark Lowe, MLB, or Derek Lowe, MLB." So apparently I can't get the number to a DIY place but she can provide the number for some major leaguers."
July 12, 13 "When peeps say tem plate instead of template as it should be pronounced, I always imagine what a tem plate would look like. Is it a plate with temporary food or tempei or tem, a new food I have never tried? Ah, the brain is busy at work today. This status was brought to you by Nancy T and the number 6. Feel free to use it as a template for your own status."
July 22, 13 "I wonder why all of those commercials about anti depressants are cartoons. I guess it's so you don't get more depressed when you hear about the having a stroke or death side effects."
July 23, 13 "I move we no longer call them fish tacos but instead refer to them as tacos of the sea. All in favor?"
July 29, 13 "If I had a dog, I would dress him up like an aristocrat and plaster pics all over Facebook every single day. So now you can thank me for not having a dog."
July 29, 13 "I like to watch Naked and Afraid indoors, drinking water and fully clothed."
July 31, 13 "Would you consider it a bad thing that the song running through my head is Nobody Knows the Trouble I See?"
Aug 5 13 "If you see me with what looks like dried up paint on the right side of my hair, no worries, it's just toothpaste. Apparently after having long hair for most of my life and brushing my teeth all my life, I still haven't got the hang of it. I guess it's better to brush and miss sometimes than to miss brushing at all."
Aug 11, 13 "Went to church with Mom today. Here is how the reading started. The priest said, "and Jesus said to his servant, gird your loins". I thought I love the part in The Devil Wears Prada where Stanley Tucci said gird your loins. He was so good in that movie!! And the fashion, oh how I loved the clothes. Those boots with the jeans and the boots with the tights and the boots with that one hat. Oh my, am I obsessed with boots or what??? Priest then said, the word of the Lord... Uh oh."
Aug 12, 13 "I was recently told I have another thing coming. I hope it's a cupcake."
Aug 13, 13 "I like that now you can unfollow a post instead of having to delete your commennt to stop hearing others comments. We always complain about Facebook's shortcomings so I thought I'd throw a good one their way. Now maybe they will stop suggesting I be friends with strangers and peeps I don't like"
Aug 18, 13 "You see peeps posting pics of their feet in front of the pool, in front of the dog etc. but you never see peeps posting pics of where their hands are... hmm."
Aug 20, 13 "When peeps are poopy to me I usually try to turn the other cheek and not let it get to me. Every now and then though I have to confront the beast and it gives me a tummy ache. I might have to go stare at my shoes for a while to perk myself up."
Aug 29, 13 "Three things: rehearsals are going well. Happy to have a callback today and I like to sneeze. Hey, I didn't say they were all connected."
Aug 30, 13 "Cassandra Lynne Telzerow just sent me a text with a video that I made for her in it. I often send her silly videos of my food talking ... ok, you can stop judging now, but this one I do not remember at all. I might have to make a series out of it or get some help."
Sept 4, 13 "One thing we have learned from all this is that when it comes to death, not dresses, the past tense of hang is hanged. Other than that, the jury's out on our lessons ... no pun intended."
April 28, 13 "Clint Eastwood who is 82 years old said he would love to be directing films when he's 105. Bless his heart. I think I'd just love to still have my teeth."
April 29, 13 "I'm working like a dog or a cat that has a really long attention span."
April 30, 13 "My GPS likes to tell me the very first direction in north, south, east or west. If I were so good at figuring out which way north, south, east or west was I wouldn't need a GPS! I'm really good with left and right. She doesn't know me at all."
May 1, 13 "Endurance is the ability of an organism to exert itself and remain active for a long period of time, as well as its ability to resist, withstand, recover from, and have immunity to trauma, wounds, or fatigue. So wait a minute, are you saying no nap???"
May 6, 13 "It's a new week. I'm going to try to do something new and different every day. Looks like I'll be checking out the top of my fridge at some point. Have a good one, my peeps!"
May 7, 13 "So there's this new thing I wanna tell you about. You get an email from a friend on Facebook and it says it's from them but the email address is not theirs at all and it's a link to some virus that will kill you or your computer. I don't know which yet, as I am not foolish enough to click it."
May 9, 13 "Every now and then I have to put my foot down. My only hope is I have a great shoe on when I do."
May 13, 13 "I know there's a hundred ways to skin a cat but why are we skinning cats again? Ew."
May 14, 13 "I think it's funny when Firefox crashes and then you try to sign back on and they say, well, this is embarrassing. It would be so cool if you could screw up in life and simply say that and move on ... gonna try it later."
May 15, 13 "As much as I appreciate the emails for a walk-in tub, I'm not quite there yet. Have a great day, my peeps!"
May 16, 13 "Have you ever been trapped in a piece of clothing or jewelry only to think you will never get it off? Today I decided that maybe my infinity scarf would make a cute belt. It was almost on me for ... infinity. It wasn't even cute!"
May 19, 13 "I just saw an audible.com commercial and it said, enjoy a steamy romantic novel while you're ironing the sheets. Do peeps iron the sheets? I got so lost in the thought I cannot tell you what else was said."
May 20, 13 "Why do some peeps talk with their eyes closed? How do they expect me to stay awake when they talk if they can't?"
May 21, 13 "Just because you are talking louder than everyone else does not automatically make you interesting. My inner monologue during day two of workshop."
May 22, 13 "Remember back in the day when irregardless was a word? Oh wait, it was never a word."
May 27, 13 "Happy Memorial Day, my peeps. Thanks to all who have served and those who continue serving. Your job is tough one and I appreciate you! Now go off and eat some yummy food, be with your loving families and buy some shoes ... wait, I got a little carried away there."
May 27, 13 "Someday I picture a world where no one wears khaki pants and no one asks me to either. Hey, a girl can dream."
May 30, 13 "Yesterday while visiting the Mama, I ran into a woman I recognized but couldn't figure out how I knew her. I started grilling her. Where did you go to school? What's your last name? It all sounded so familiar but then I asked where she worked. Lo and behold, she not only worked where I worked while in High School but she worked in the same department! I was thrilled. She was not so thrilled. It did not ring a bell for her at all. On the drive back home with Mom it all came back to me. She was mean and never did like me ... didn't have time for me then and still doesn't. I bet she totally remembered me! I'm half tempted to friend her on Facebook, BWahhaahhhha (that's my evil laugh)!"
June 1, 13 "Cassandra Lynne Telzerow told me that I need to use hair gel if I want my hair to look good after drying naturally. I never use stuff in my hair so I let her tell me what to get but it was not at the store. She instead selected a mousse and after telling me how to put it in my hair and how to scrunch it, I applied it in the car. It was a disaster, I got it all over the car ceiling. I then puffed it all up on top of my head as directed by Cassie because according to her, when I take it down it will then be wavy and beautiful. So we went back home and I took it down in a hurry since I had somewhere to go. She said, "you look like Medusa ... bwahahhaha". Thanks a lot Cass. Guess who has new hair mousse?"
June 2, 13 "I really should update my linkedin profile. Peeps are endorsing me for all sorts of skills I don't have. It's sweet of them though. I think I will put a stop to it when they add tub caulking."
June 4, 13 "When my daughter was little and not so little I used to sing the lyrics to And I Love You So, that I believed was only an instrumental. I would sing the title over and over again and basically bug the heck outta her but we would laugh. So I was just looking it up on youtube in order to post it to her wall and of course write my lyrics beneath it (again to bug her/ make her smile) and I found out it actually has real lyrics! The lyrics are rather morose and could make a person wanna off themselves. They truly seem to be written by a very depressed person. Mine are so much better. And I love you so, and I love you so and I love you so And I love you soooooooo."
June 4, 13 "I think they should do a bachelor or bachelorette show where they do not live in a mansion, do not provide a Bentley and make them scrounge for their dates like real life. It would be way more entertaining but of course it might not last as many episodes ... peeps would be dropping like flies."
June 5, 13 "Just finished an improv gig as Cher. Most of the time you just wanna peel off your costume but in this case, I'm looking for layers!"
June 6, 13 "Without changing a single setting on my computer it now makes a rock star guitar sound when I hit a wrong key. I'm sure it means that one more sentence and it will explode but in the meantime it's pretty entertaining."
June 7, 13 "So there's a black bear walking around my neighborhood. Research indicates they only eat fruits and seeds but I'm a vegetarian so I'm still nervous."
June 8, 13 "Well, it's been five days since the bear was in my neighborhood. I guess now I can stop hibernating."
June 10, 13 "I just read an article about a women who lives on sunshine and water alone. Clearly this woman does not live in Cleveland Ohio."
June 13, 13 "I think I have the final proof that my handwriting has gotten atrocious. I just received a thank you letter from a charity addressed to Nancy Tekeroce."
June 4, 13 "3 things I've noticed lately: a lot if chefs smoke, getting a tan this summer might be impossible and when a lot of peeps focus on one project, amazing things happen. Made in Cleveland is in theaters June 21st! Go see it!!"
June 14, 13 "Major dilemma. I think there is a centipede in my living room. Why am I unsure, you ask? Because I am across the room screaming hysterically. I went to get a bowl to put over it but it moved. I cannot suck it up in the vacuum or step on it. So now I'm on bug patrol. Just squinting and screaming. Whachu doin?"
June 1, 3 "So here it is, the day to honor all Fathers. I hope your day is so wonderful that it makes up for all the athletes who get on camera for the first time only to say, Hi Mom! Happy Father's Day xoxoxoxoxo!"
June 17, 13 "You know when peeps post two pics in the same pose? I'm always tempted to print it out and circle the differences. There's no back of the chair in that one. Her hat is blue in this one. This is me needing a life."
June 19, 13 "I'm sorry to report that Cassandra Lynne Telzerow has gotten me addicted to Candy Crush, which I believe makes me about 12."
June 25, 13 "When a person shoots a gun in a grocery store in a movie or on TV, they will always hit a can of something with liquid in it. I just thought you might need to know that."
July 2, 13 "You drive. You text. You die. That's a bumper sticker on the car in front of me on my way downtown. So let me get this straight. You don't want me to read texts but you do want me to read the back of your car? Gotta love irony."
July 6, 13 "When you look at your computer monitor and everyone starts to look like Cindy Crawford, it's time to remove the mole aka clean the screen!"
July 9, 13 "I just asked Siri, "what's the number for Lowe's?" and she replied, "Lowe from which team? Keegan Lowe, NHL, Mark Lowe, MLB, or Derek Lowe, MLB." So apparently I can't get the number to a DIY place but she can provide the number for some major leaguers."
July 12, 13 "When peeps say tem plate instead of template as it should be pronounced, I always imagine what a tem plate would look like. Is it a plate with temporary food or tempei or tem, a new food I have never tried? Ah, the brain is busy at work today. This status was brought to you by Nancy T and the number 6. Feel free to use it as a template for your own status."
July 22, 13 "I wonder why all of those commercials about anti depressants are cartoons. I guess it's so you don't get more depressed when you hear about the having a stroke or death side effects."
July 23, 13 "I move we no longer call them fish tacos but instead refer to them as tacos of the sea. All in favor?"
July 29, 13 "If I had a dog, I would dress him up like an aristocrat and plaster pics all over Facebook every single day. So now you can thank me for not having a dog."
July 29, 13 "I like to watch Naked and Afraid indoors, drinking water and fully clothed."
July 31, 13 "Would you consider it a bad thing that the song running through my head is Nobody Knows the Trouble I See?"
Aug 5 13 "If you see me with what looks like dried up paint on the right side of my hair, no worries, it's just toothpaste. Apparently after having long hair for most of my life and brushing my teeth all my life, I still haven't got the hang of it. I guess it's better to brush and miss sometimes than to miss brushing at all."
Aug 11, 13 "Went to church with Mom today. Here is how the reading started. The priest said, "and Jesus said to his servant, gird your loins". I thought I love the part in The Devil Wears Prada where Stanley Tucci said gird your loins. He was so good in that movie!! And the fashion, oh how I loved the clothes. Those boots with the jeans and the boots with the tights and the boots with that one hat. Oh my, am I obsessed with boots or what??? Priest then said, the word of the Lord... Uh oh."
Aug 12, 13 "I was recently told I have another thing coming. I hope it's a cupcake."
Aug 13, 13 "I like that now you can unfollow a post instead of having to delete your commennt to stop hearing others comments. We always complain about Facebook's shortcomings so I thought I'd throw a good one their way. Now maybe they will stop suggesting I be friends with strangers and peeps I don't like"
Aug 18, 13 "You see peeps posting pics of their feet in front of the pool, in front of the dog etc. but you never see peeps posting pics of where their hands are... hmm."
Aug 20, 13 "When peeps are poopy to me I usually try to turn the other cheek and not let it get to me. Every now and then though I have to confront the beast and it gives me a tummy ache. I might have to go stare at my shoes for a while to perk myself up."
Aug 29, 13 "Three things: rehearsals are going well. Happy to have a callback today and I like to sneeze. Hey, I didn't say they were all connected."
Aug 30, 13 "Cassandra Lynne Telzerow just sent me a text with a video that I made for her in it. I often send her silly videos of my food talking ... ok, you can stop judging now, but this one I do not remember at all. I might have to make a series out of it or get some help."
Sept 4, 13 "One thing we have learned from all this is that when it comes to death, not dresses, the past tense of hang is hanged. Other than that, the jury's out on our lessons ... no pun intended."
